The History of the First “first” Kiss

Despite our knowledge of ancient times, there’s not much known about the genesis of kissing. The first recording of an erotic kiss was in India circa 1500 b.c. (more on this later). But the how, when and why of the first “first” kiss remains a matter of theory.

The scientific camp traces kissing to Paleolithic man. When a caveman sought a mate, he wasn’t just looking for the type of girl who could clean and cook. Or had a career that made her successful in her own right. The ideal woman had to have a good immune system. And be fertile and strong.

Conditions back then were tough. And a chick from a healthy gene pool was more important than a dowry of hides and furs taken from the woolly mastodons roaming the plains. So these scruffy-looking apes would choose a lady by tasting her saliva.

Getting technical for a moment, saliva has this thinga-ma-bobby in the body called immunoglobulin (IgA). This IgA thing binds to bacteria and triggers the immune system to destroy them. Saliva also measures stress and anxiety levels, and can indicate recent traumas. Like being trampled by a herd of buffalo. Or accidentally being stabbed with a spear. You can just see the prehistoric courting ritual playing out like those reality TV dating shows!

Here are a few hypotheses from anthropologists on the first kiss:

Cave mothers would pass already-chewed food into the mouths of their babies. Kissing was just a natural evolution from birth to suck our mother’s breast for nourishment— simply a continual desire to breast-feed. Cavemen and women would perform a “salutations” ritual of breathing closely on each other’s cheeks, sharing the scent of their breath.

The more likely story? One day during this so-called breath exchange, some caveboy must have slipped, causing his lips to collide with some totally adorable cavegirl, where mouths lingered in harmony for longer than what would have been considered socially appropriate. Thus, the first real kiss as we know it.

Here’s another unofficial theory to be offered on the evolution of kissing. Even those Bedrock babes understood that a kiss spoke volumes about their potential compatibility with a guy. So to get a sip of the pheremonal cocktail, they’d initiate games like “Spin the Club” or “7 Minutes in a Cave.” These clever cave lassies knew a charming boy whose kisses made them tingle would keep them happy in those damp caves at night.

Remember, ladies, the kiss has forever been the key to finding that special one. Our Stone Age sisters knew it back when.